Overheard In…

Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!

--LIRR, Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Sarah

Guy (smelling weed, to male friend): Hey man, you smell that?
Girl: Yeah, it smells like my dad.

--Terminal 5

Overheard by: Adam

Guy, sniffing at a box of bolts: Wow, these smell like Twizzlers!
Box owner: Well, they are from Germany.

--Metric Building, Hawthorne

Overheard by: not surprised at all

20-something male #1: Dude, all she did all week was stay out late, get drunk, and hook up with random guys.
20-something male #2: Yeah, but that's what vacation is for.
20-something male #1: Not when it's your 13-year-old sister!

--Gramercy

Overheard by: She said she was 19

College guy to eight-year-old boy: Is that your girlfriend? (points to eight-year-old girl playing in sprinklers)
Eight-year-old boy: No, I just like to get her wet.

--Central Park Playground

Hobo #1: Man, I love being drunk.
Hobo #2: I know. You say that every day.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Frenchie

Preppy girl #1: I don't get it. She looks human.
Preppy girl #2: But she's not.
Preppy girl #1: But she looks human!
Preppy girl #2: But she's not!
Preppy girl #3: I get into your head and make you think I look human, but I'm not, really.
Preppy girl #1: Oh. So what do you guys want for lunch?

--Penn Station

Tourist: Hi, what do we need to do to join the tour?
Tour guide: Well, there's an entrance exam.
Tourist: Really?
Tour guide: No. But based on this conversation, you would've failed.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Chuckles

Girl, screaming: I'm STD free!
Hipster girl: Oh, stop bragging.

--Happy Ending Lounge

Overheard by:

(girl #1 is at the snack table, carefully wrapping cupcakes in napkins and putting them into her purse)
Girl #2 (looking at her): Graduate student?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Been there.

--House Party, Washington Heights

Overheard by: McFreaky

Christian pamphlet-wielder: Excuse me, would you like to learn about the rapture?
Exasperated 20-something: I swear, if I see one more of you beam-me-up ladies...

--Penn Station

Conductor #1: He's like "it doesn't bite!" I'm like "I know it doesn't bike...it constricts! The last thing I need is that thing getting loose and finding some four-year-old kid wrapped in a snake. You can get on, but Daisy stays on the platform.
Conductor #2: Who brings a snake out in public anyway?

--LIRR, Woodside station

Overheard by: I'm with the conductor on this one...

Boy in hat: You gotta remember, you have to squeeze the left nipple.
Girl: Ohhhhh. Of course.

--Bedford & 3rd

Overheard by: Ashley

Girlfriend: Imagine the whole world was covered in pizza boxes. (pauses in deep though) That would be a lot of pizza boxes!
Boyfriend: You dumb.

--Colombia University Campus

20-something guy to date: Yeah, I had mine done by a real mohel.
20-something girl, awkwardly: Oh, really?
20-something guy: Yep, the guy's whole job is to go around chopping off babies' dicks.

--American Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: dream profession?

Middle-aged woman (excitedly): So I met a great 75-year old man!
Middle-aged man (also excitedly): Are you going to marry him?

--W 13th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: NYU girl

Bearish guy: Did I tell you I got a lead in a film?
Friend: No. Congratulations!
Bearish guy: Yeah, it's a bear film--but it's not a porn!

--23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Daniel

Mom: You could have held the door for me, Tommy, that's what a man does.
Tommy: I'm a boy.

--Hallway, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center

Girl #1: Do you think I'm a loser?
Girl #2: What? No. Why?
Girl #1: I haven't gotten laid in like five months.
Girl #2: There's a guy traveling cross country to fuck you! I don't have that.
Girl #1: You got fucked by a porn star! More than once! And she wants to do it again!
Girl #2: We'll it's not like she's flying cross country just for that.
Girl #1: Have you asked her? She might.
Girl #2: Yeah right, I can't even get my girlfriend to come in from Jersey.
Girl #1: (pause) Ewww. Who wants to be in Jersey.

--Elephant & Castle, West Village

Guy (kissing his girl's neck, begging): C'mon baby, please?
Girl: I said "No."
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Because it gets too messy. I mean, I already have to keep washing all the pillows you cum on. Imagine the mess if I'm on the rag.

--R Train

Overheard by: Kim