Archive for the ‘Pittsburgh’ Category
Chutzpah in action.
Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
61C Outbound, Forbes / Wightman. The bus is packed:
Old Jewish Woman: Bus Driver, open the back door!
Bus Driver: Sorry, ma’am, back door’s broken.
Old Jewish Woman: All right you jews, part the waters! You’ve done it before, you can do it again.
[Everyone complies.]
A mother knows when her baby’s lungs are too pink.
Friday, March 21st, 2008
61B Inbound near CMU, Oakland. Saturday afternoon.
A woman in her late 50s is chattering to her daughter about how excited she’ll be to have another grandchild and how she hopes it’s a boy:
Daughter: Ma, gimme a cigarette.
Mother: I don’t have any.
Daughter: Yes, you do, I know you do.
Mother: Honey, your baby don’t need no nicotine.
Daughter: [...]
You can see the connection if you think about it.
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
GetGo, S. 18th St, South Side.
Two of the three cashiers on duty — all women in their 40s-50s — are discussing the hot dogs:
Cashier #1: Whatta yinz want me a do wid ese ones?
Cashier #2: Throw em aht, ey’re yucky.
Cashier #1: What?
Cashier #2: Ey’re YUCKY! YUCKY!!!
A minute later, Cashiers #1 and#3 [...]
Not So Undercover
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
Men’s Room, Lobby, Marriott, Downtown. After a Fire Evacuation:
Black Man #1: [at urinal, sounds like Eddie Griffin] Shit. She called from Tampa with that shit.
Black Man #2: [at another urinal] Yeah.
Black Man #1: I told her that shit work both ways.
Black Man #2: Yeah.
Black Man #1: Shit.
White Man: [in handicapped stall] Is that Eddie Griffin?
Black [...]
Bad experience with a croissanwich.
Friday, March 7th, 2008
GetGo, Wilkinsburg.
Two men are discussing problems with a grocery bagger:
Man #1: I told him to put the bread on TOP. It’s just common sense. I don’t want no CURVED sandwich.
Brenda forgot to set her monologue to “inner” that morning.
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
61F Inbound , Craig St. , Oakland.
A woman in her 40s gets on the bus, which is very crowded:
Woman: WATCH OUT, I’m movin’ to the back!
[Woman starts forcefully shoving people to get to the back of the bus, muttering all the way]
—Damn people must like to be squished like sardines. I can’t believe this. [...]
A needle in a needlestack
Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
941 Saloon, Liberty Ave., Downtown.
A Bartender is discussing why no one has spotted Seth Rogen even though he’s in town filming the new Kevin Smith movie:
Bartender: Well, they’re filming in Squirrel Hill. Someone sees Seth Rogen and they don’t think anything of it. It’s just like, “Hey! Big jew!”
— Overheard by Bellum
Double Yoi, Terrible Towels at Half Mast
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
Penn Ave, Strip District:
Guy #1: So, anyway… Myron and Bill walk into this bar in Texas, right? And as soon as they walk in the door, the place goes quiet. All these shit-kickers stop and look at them.
Guy#2: Did they walk out?
Guy #1: No, man. They walked up to the bar and ordered a [...]
Glenn is all business.
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
Party, Brentwood:
Partygoer #1: [surveying a table of food] Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Partygoer #2: It’s ham barbeque, dickface. Shut up and fix yourself a sandwich.
“But the bloody rivers…that’s not good.”
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
Ad Agency, Strip District. Thursday Morning.
One co-worker is explaining the recent solar eclipse to another:
Co-worker: Oh, yeah, the moon turns red, and it’s not because we’re all gonna die.
Don’t bow down to the flower nazis.
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
Chihuly Exhibit, Phipp’s Conservatory. Friday Night.
There are signs directing people through the exhibit:
Frustrated Woman: They always keep demanding that you stay to the RIGHT! [Stomps off to the left]
Now, if only there were corn-battered roses on a stick…
Friday, February 15th, 2008
Checkout, Giant Eagle, Virginia Manor. Valentine’s Day.
A 30-something guy sets some roses and a package of frozen corn dogs on the conveyor belt while waiting in line:
Older Man in Line: Nothing like corn dogs on Valentine’s Day.
30-Something Guy: Yeah, I’m romantic.
That’s actually the title of Vivica Fox’s new romantic comedy.
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
Wood / Forbes, Downtown. Lunch time:
Black Guy: [to friend] Yo, she went from ashy, to classy!
Yikes.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
Chinese Poetry Class, Cathedral of Learning, Pitt Campus:
Asian Professor: Many interpretations are acceptable. Remember, there is more than one way to slice a cat.
[Class giggles.]
Asian Professor: Are you laughing because the poem is so romantic?
Girl #1: No, it’s just that you said, “There’s more than one way to slice a
cat,” when it’s really “There’s more [...]
Wayne will do whatever it takes to get free beer on Ladies’ Night.
Friday, February 8th, 2008
Cafe Milano, Downtown. Lunchtime:
Guy: It was Wednesday! Of course I wasn’t wearing pants!
It’s not a skill, it’s an attitude.
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
Party, Oakdale:
Underage Drinker #1: It’s a skill
Underage Drinker #2: What?
Underage Drinker #1: Drunk driving is a skill.
— Overheard by stillwrinkling
Groovy’s not the only part of the South Side stuck in the `70s.
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
Laundromat, 20th / Wharton, South Side.
Woman: This change machine only takes dollar bills? Shiiit.
“My shoulder says I’m an organ donor.”
Monday, February 4th, 2008
Diesel, South Side.
Two girls discuss their fake IDs:
Girl #1: What if they can tell it’s not real?
Girl #2: I’ve got my name tattooed on my back, so I’m fine.
Shiny Happy People
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
East End Food Co-Op, Wilkinsburg:
Girl #1: Look at all the vitamin supplements they have! Oh, detox…
Girl #2: Did you notice our hair is the most shiny here?
Girl #1: Out of all this, that is what you notice?!
— Overheard by aurora
Phil’s palms sweated as he continued to wait for laughter to come from the receiver.
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
69A, Oakland:
Middle-Aged Man on Cell Phone: Yeah, I’m on the bus.
—The moving welfare office. [Chuckles]
[Bus drives past Carnegie Mellon]
—Yeah, I’m going through the Schoolyard, headed for the West Bank. See, I call Oakland the Schoolyard, and I call Squirrel Hill the West Bank. [More chuckling]
Violence is Colorblind
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
91A Outbound, Lawrenceville.
An attractive black-guy-white-girl couple is sitting in the back of the crowded bus. Another rider starts muttering his disapproval of interracial relationships. The couple storm to the front of the bus to get off:
Girl: You got a problem with interracial relationships? Then you better get off the bus, you fat fuck, and we’ll [...]
Bonehead Memo Indulgence
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
Centre Ave, Shadyside.
A man has bent over because of pain in his knee:
Old Lady: Are you ok?
Guy: Just fine. Something’s wrong with my knee, thanks.
Old Lady: You should exercise.
Guy: [smiling] I do.
Old Lady: You should lose weight. If you lose weight you put less weight on your knees.
Guy: My BMI is 21.
Old Lady: What’s a [...]
This Aquafina is so filling!
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
High School Basketball Game, Penn Hills.
Two extremely skinny cheerleaders are conversing by the concession stand at halftime:
Cheerleader #1: Girl, are you still on that all-water diet?
Cheerleader #2: Mmhmm.
Cheerleader #1: Girl, you better watch, you’re gonna die from that shit.
Cheerleader #2: It don’t matter if I’m dyin’ skinny.
The library’s so fancy they have a room for that now.
Monday, January 21st, 2008
Carnegie Library, Oakland.
An eccentric looking older man in a smoking jacket, ski cap, and wraparound sunglasses approaches a reference librarian:
Eccentric Man: So, let me get this straight: Do you condone shadow boxing in here?
[The librarian stares, confused.]
Eccentric Man: I mean, I wouldn’t be allowed to go out in the hallway and shadow box?
Librarian: Ummm… no, [...]
Don’t worry, it’s a lot easier to remember today’s specials.
Friday, January 18th, 2008
Intro to Dramatic Arts Class, Cathedral of Learning, Pitt.
The class is discussing Oedipus Rex:
College Girl #1: It was too wordy. I didn’t like it.
College Girl #2: Sorry you had to use your brain.