Overheard In…

Subway, East Liberty. A young woman holding her baby is  talking to an older family member: Young Woman: I hit that bitch so hard, she had to call 9-1-9!

Spluummphhh: Squirrel falling out of a 25-foot tree onto Greenfield Road in Schenley at 7 in the morning. Squirrel appeared uninjured and proceeded to scurry out of the road and onto a hillside. — Reported filed by Officer Morning Runner

Office Building, Downtown:   Man: What was (his) secretary’s name? You remember: real pretty girl, dark hair? She pulled him out when his tie got caught in the shredder. — Overheard by Stephanie

North Side, Mexican War Streets. Wednesday Morning. A young woman is walking down a quiet residential street, raging on her cell phone: Woman: She COY! And that fuckin shit’s TIII-RRRRRED!  — Overheard by VertigoXpress

Entrance, Target, Harmarville Male Security Guard: [fluttering eyelashes at other male security guard] My mama says I have pretty eyelashes!

Information Desk, Hillman Library, Pitt: A group of homely Library Science majors are talking quietly amongst themselves.: Girl #1: [Yelling] Oh, that’s right! I am so excited! American Gladiators starts up again next week! Librarian: Shhh!

History Section, Border’s, Mt. Lebanon: Hipster Girl: “What kind of books do I like?” The non-pretend ones. Hipster Guy: [confused] You mean non-fiction? Hipster Girl: That’s called non-fiction? Oh. — Overheard by Jon

School Bus: Girl #1: You know, Chinese people are like good at everything! Girl #2: THAT’S COS THEY’RE POOR! Girl #1:OoOhh — Overheard by Dommy and Dean

Amon Tobin Concert, Rangos Ballroom, CMU. Two college-age girls are waiting for Amon Tobin to take the stage : Girl #1: I mean, it’s just herpes simplex B. Girl 2: That’s the good one, right? B is better than A. Unless you’re in school. —Overheard by Chr Flyr

Crowded 59U Outbound, Oakland. Two Pitt students are standing in the middle of the bus as it pulls in front of CMU. Bus Driver: Please step to the back! Pitt Boy: Don’t. I wanna play my favorite game. Pitt Girl: What game? [The door of the bus opens.] Bus Driver: [to sad CMU kids] Sorry, guys, no room! Pitt Boy: [...]

Crowded Hallway, Tekkoshocon Anime Convention: College Guy Dressed as Ninja: But I don’t want to be a ninja! I want to be a squirrel! Squirrels have all of the fun! [Question: Why can’t he be both? Or more?]

Crowded Hallway, Tekkoshocon Anime Convention: College Guy Dressed as Ninja: But I don’t want to be a ninja! I want to be a squirrel! Squirrels have all of the fun! [Question: Why can’t he be both? Or more?]

Gullifty’s, Squirrel Hill: Maid of Honor #1: I am going to be on a maid-of-honor tirade if people don’t check themselves. Maid of Honor #2: If they don’t check themselves, you gonna wreck them good. Maid of Honor #1: People can call me a bitch. I can take that criticism. But if anyone steps to my [...]

Packed 59U Outbound, Forbes/Morewood, Oakland: Spunky Lady Busdriver: Move it in, people! You can’t be above the line! [People push and yell] Spunky Lady Busdriver: USE YOUR WORDS, people! “PLEASE AND THANK YOU!” Damn, yo mamas’ be ashamed!

Chemistry Class, CMU. The professor is explaining how toxic chemicals can get into the food supply and showing a scale of health problems occurring in different areas of the country based on river pollution. Professor: OK, here’s where the northeast is on the scale. It’s already getting pretty high up there… Do you consider Pittsburgh to [...]

Let’s be honest: The site’s a mess right now. It looks like something was changed in the template I’m using because I have seen other sites affected in the same way. Regardless, trying to figure out how to fix it, in addition to the requirements of grad school and work have kept me from focusing [...]

Dining Room, Duquesne Club. Three Old, Rich White Guys are having dinner at the corner table: Old, Rich White Guy: I’ve been having a lot of non-orgasm orgasms lately. Really, it’s the best mattress I ever bought.

Meyran Ave, Oakland. Night. Lights are being flicked on and off in an apartment: Girl in Apartment: Come rave with me! [Laughter can be heard from another apartment, across the street.] Guy in Apartment: Shit, there’s people out there! [Quickly shuts the curtains.] — Overheard by Carol

Litchfield Towers Lobby, Pitt Campus: Guy: So if you could have anyone sing a song about your life, who would it be? Girl: I think it would have to be Justin Timberlake — not just because he’s a good singer, but he can really tell a story with his music. — Overheard by Julia

Outside a bar, Ambridge. Evening. A father is standing with his six-year-old son. Child: [pointing at his father and running away into the Sunoco parking lot] STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER! Father: You get back here! That’s stranger danger over there! — Overheard by Rachel and Dommy

61C Outbound, Forbes / Wightman. The bus is packed: Old Jewish Woman: Bus Driver, open the back door! Bus Driver: Sorry, ma’am, back door’s broken. Old Jewish Woman: All right you jews, part the waters! You’ve done it before, you can do it again. [Everyone complies.]

61B Inbound near CMU, Oakland. Saturday afternoon. A woman in her late 50s is chattering to her daughter about how excited she’ll be to have another grandchild and how she hopes it’s a boy: Daughter: Ma, gimme a cigarette. Mother: I don’t have any. Daughter: Yes, you do, I know you do. Mother: Honey, your baby don’t need no nicotine. Daughter: [...]

GetGo, S. 18th St, South Side. Two of the three cashiers on duty — all women in their 40s-50s  — are discussing the hot dogs: Cashier #1: Whatta yinz want me a do wid ese ones? Cashier #2: Throw em aht, ey’re yucky. Cashier #1: What? Cashier #2: Ey’re YUCKY! YUCKY!!! A minute later, Cashiers #1 and#3 [...]

Men’s Room, Lobby, Marriott, Downtown. After a Fire Evacuation: Black Man #1: [at urinal, sounds like Eddie Griffin] Shit. She called from Tampa with that shit. Black Man #2: [at another urinal] Yeah. Black Man #1: I told her that shit work both ways. Black Man #2: Yeah. Black Man #1: Shit. White Man: [in handicapped stall] Is that Eddie Griffin? Black [...]

GetGo, Wilkinsburg. Two men are discussing problems with a grocery bagger: Man #1: I told him to put the bread on TOP. It’s just common sense. I don’t want no CURVED sandwich.