Overheard In…

Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentleman, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless. This is his fourth trip. Don't do it.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentlemen, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?

--Shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square

Overheard by: Alison R.

30-something woman #1: It's only a matter of time when you start dating a guy before he asks you the question.
30-something woman #2: What question?
30-something woman #1: C'mon, the thing that every guy asks for in bed.
30-something woman #2: Ooooooohhhh, anal sex.
30-something woman #1: That's the question!

--E Train to Queens

Overheard by: butt, of course

Headline by: Brian Costlow

Runners-Up:
"Alex, I'll Take "Things That Will Never Happen" for $100" - The Trayster
"Gotta Stop Meeting Boyfriends at the Pray Out The Gay Sessions." - KJM
"I Always Keep My Strap-on in My Purse - Just in Case." - Sodajerk
"I Just Hope He Doesn't Ask at a Baseball Game. Too Cliche." - pieski
"Pooping the Question" - tech98
"Reason #32 to Be a Lesbian" - Trey Jackson


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Teen girl #1: Ewwwwww.
Teen girl #2: I know, and it wasn't even vomit!

--Union Square

Nursing student #1: What about backpacks?
Nursing student #2: Mmm...Nazis.

--Wagner College

Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing--my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more.

--Waiting Room, North General Hospital

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Jen: My client is soooo annoying. She won't eat soft cheese cuz she claims it's bad for her baby.
Renee: Soft cheese is bad for her baby?
Jen: Well, yeah, but if she melts it then it's fine.

--39th & 2nd

Overheard by: Dorey

Excited bus driver: Next stop, 6th Avenue! Herald Square! Vicky's secret! Something for everyone! Get off!! Get off!

--M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Bus driver: Everyone who is exceedingly good-looking move to the back of the bus!
(people giggle but still not much room in front)
Bus driver: Well, it's good to know you're a modest bunch, but you gotta move back or I'm not moving this bus.

--Bus, Central Park West

Overheard by: passenger

Bus driver over sound system: Dis bus is out of service! Dis bus is out of service! People in da back get up, close the fucken back window, and leave!

--Bx9 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Good morning, this is a friendly reminder that the holiday shopping season now begins the day after Halloween. Make sure to allot six hours extra travel time as the city gets rather hectic at this time.

--M23 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Come on, move back, people. There's coffee and jelly donuts in the back of the bus.

--Crosstown Bus, 57th St

Overheard by: Flexy

Bus driver (calmly): Move to the back of the bus. I heard there is mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. I got an e-mail up here that says there is mad room in the back. Can someone quantify how much is "mad" for me? Mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. Mad room!

--Crowded Q 55 Bus

Overheard by: Matt

Bus driver: This is the Q44 express going to Jamaica. We are traveling along Main Street, next stop is 41st Avenue. For those of you that don't speak English: blah, blah, blah, blah...

--Bus, Flushing

Queer: I don't want someone to fuck me with their stoma!

--11th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Amanda

Gay guy: That girl is such a Rice Krispie.

--Outside Gristedes, Christopher St

Overheard by: McF

Queer on cell: And I said to him, "Take it like the bottom you are!"

--8th St & 23rd St

Gay guy: I just got pounded by the two hottest guys I've ever seen!

--58th & 9th

Gay man (getting his hair cut by another): So we went to Fire Island this weekend and we went to this party. I said, "Patrick, you better pee on Jon right now to mark your territory."

--57th & 7th

Gay man on cell: Oh, morals disappear after 8pm!

--Amsterdam & 83rd

12th grader to no one in particular: You know what word I hate? Spurt. It just sounds dirty. Kind of like ‘tight budget.’ Something about a ‘tight budget’ just isn’t right.

Pine River, English classroom
Overheard by Neither of those were on the vocab list this week.

Blonde girl in pink jacket with ugg boots: I totally get irresponsible in the winter time. I haven’t sent my Netflix back in, like, three days!

University of Minnesota classroom
Overheard by And I thought I was responsible…

Girl #1 walking through underground tunnel: I wonder if they have a microphone in here.
Girl #2: Where would they put it, under all the mold?

St Paul, Concordia University
Overheard by mold.

Overly tan taco lover: So can you, like, get your fingers all the way around it? Like it’s a marble?  And it’s really close to the skin’s surface? Does pus ooze out around it? How old is she? Maybe it has been growing like that for a while now?

Richfield, Taco Bell
Overheard by i think i am done with my crunch wrap supreme.

Kitchen staff on smoke break out back: I gotta let my toe heal so they can amputate it.

St Paul, Bulldog Lowertown
Overheard by it needs to heal before you cut it off?

Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.

--Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?

--Park Slope

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag--you know, kind of like a penis pops out!

--Dunkin Donuts

Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!

--Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?

Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!

--Downtown N Train

Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."

--W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Alan

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

--Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy... But you better not poop on my chair.

--Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

--West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars...well, you can...but you'll just poop it out later.

--4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

--Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

--Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.

--Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom...yeah... Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood... Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

--St. Mark's Place

Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.

--Q Train, Kings Highway

Overheard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.

--Martin Luther King High School

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.

--Park Slope

Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.

--Washington Square Park

Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.

--1st & 72nd

Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

--College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

--3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

--Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

--18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

--49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

--Canal & Mott

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

--NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

--Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

--L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi... (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had...a shitty... experience in Bushwick.

--L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

--23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex