Overheard In…

B&T daughter: Let's move to the front, we still have eight minutes.
B&T mother: Oh my god, are we moving?!
Random guy: Uh, that's the other train that's moving.

--LIRR Train

50-something woman: I'm looking for a book. It's called something like The Cougar's Guide.
Assistant: Err...do you know who it's by?
50-something woman: No. But I heard it just came out. The Cougar's Handbook or something.
Assistant: Well, there's not a lot I can do if you don't know the name or the author.
50-something woman: Can you do a search with the word "cougar"? Or "snare"? I think it had "snare" in the title.
Assistant: Err...okay, I can try.

--Barnes & Noble

(conductor makes muffled announcement)
Girl #1: (gasp)
Girl #2: What did she say?
Girl #1: "Stand clear of the closing doors, bitch!"
Woman nearby: I think she said "please".
Man: I like their version better.

--A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Headline by: Dawgn Heat

Runners-Up:
"Dave Chappelle's New Job As Subway Conductor Poses Some Problems" - Andrew
"It Could Have Been, "Bitch, Please!" and Everyone Would Have Been Happy" - Jared Rizzi
"Ludacris Finds Himself Unexpectedly Inspired" - SmR
"Makes You Wonder What Charlie Brown's Parents Were Really Saying" - Jeff
"You Have to Use Profanity to Be Taken Seriously in New York" - KAC


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Six-year-old girl to dog (repeatedly): High-five! High-five! High-five!
(dog dodges her and owner ignores her)
Girl's grandmother, excitedly: I just know, in my heart of hearts, she's going to be a veterinarian when she grows up. She just loves animals so much! Even our little rabbits she carries around...I just know she's going to be a veterinarian!
(dog's owner goes to counter to check out)
Grandmother: Okay, honey, it's time to let the man check out. Let's go.
Girl, leaving dog: High-five! High-five! High-five! (passes gum ball machine) Oooh, gum ball! (begins putting money in)
Grandmother: If you put money in there, I'll never get you anything ever again.

--Blockbuster, Flatbush & 8th Ave

Overheard by: smoon

New York Post woman at Union Square station: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor, after minutes of repetition: Lady, our heads are going to explode!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: All vendors, help me let her know!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: Lady, I'll buy you lunch!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: I'll give you cash!
Woman: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor: Come work for me, "free totes!"
Woman: Free pooooost!

--Union Square Holiday Market

Guy: So, on the show this girl got two gobs of fat taken out of her sides. So, then they showed a "before" and "after" picture and it was like, "before," lots of fat. "After," still some fat, and stretch marks and a nasty scar. So then they went out to eat and she's eating pasta from her plate, pasta from her mom's plate, and then she gets this big hoagie. And I'm thinking, "this bitch is going to be fat again in two months."

--70th Road, Forest Hills

Overprivileged yuppie #1: Did you see that? Dude, did you *see* that?! Man, I *own* this fucking city!
Overprivileged yuppie #2: No you don't, skizzball. Donald Trump owns this fucking city.
Overprivileged yuppie #1: Donald Trump can suck my dick!

--85th & 2nd

Overheard by: SoOverIt

Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what's the line for?
Confused white girl: I don't get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it's a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a...a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes...you have beautiful eyes.

--Virgin Megastore

Screaming deranged lesbian to gay leathermen: Who's the titty toucher?
(bewildered looks all around, then a gay leatherman sheepishly raises hand)
Screaming deranged lesbian: Here's a 10% coupon! Thanks for the titty grope!

--The Leatherman Store

Overweight Asian lady: Excuse me, miss, I'm holding the pole, do you mind?
Black lady: I'm sorry, but there's nowhere I can move to.
Asian lady: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You're squashing my hand.
Black lady (looking at Asian lady in amazement at her audacity): What time is it?
Asian lady: I could tell you, if you would stop leaning on my hand.
Black lady: It's rush hour! If you're not ready for this go back to suburbia, bitch! This is what happens on an overcrowded train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she barely fits in the door, and she's not complaining. You know why? Cause she accepts it. Cause it's a fact of life! And you takin' up the whole middle isle...shame on you...lose some weight...go back to suburbia. There's plenty of room there.

--L Train

Overheard by: that's right, rush hour is tight

20 something girl in fitting room to her friend in the fitting room next to hers: I just realized I’m not wearing any panties!

Minneapolis, Urban Outfitters
Overheard by GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!

Woman with bags, smiling as she excused herself from the inside seat: I left the seat nice and warm for you.

Saint Paul, 21 Bus
Overheard by Jenn.

Impatient girl looking disgustingly at her phone, to boyfriend: Maybe you should spend less time taking pictures of your poop and texting them to me and more time just getting on with it!

Mall of America outside bathroom
Overheard by They must have a REALLY close relationship.

Teen Girl #1, looking at Heath Ledger Joker bobblehead:  It’s so sad that he died, but at least he died, like, a hero.  People love the hell out of that movie.  He couldn’t have died at a better time.
Teen Girl #2:  I know, totally.
Sarcastic Employee Girl, after teen girls have left:  Like, oh my god I know, good thing he had a movie coming out when he died, otherwise it would have been so tragic.

Eden Prairie, Blockbuster
Overheard by We’ll miss you, Heath.

Waitress:  Can I get you anything to drink?
Mom:  I’ll have a coffee please.
Child:  Umm…
Mom:  Come on, what do you want?
Child:  …
Mom:  You can have anything you want!  Anything!
Child:  (still doesn’t know)
Mom:  It’s like Willy Wonka’s Candy Factory!  You can have anything that you want!
Child:  Cherry Coke!
Mom:  Nooooo! Get orange or apple juice!  You’re not having cherry Coke!

Minneapolis,  Perkins on 60th and Nicollet
Overheard by Kim.

Man with bottle of booze in paper bag: Is that a machine gun or a bomb?
Boy with guitar: No, I'm just carrying my guitar.

--Train to Penn Station

Overheard by: Marcy

Guy #1: I know, right?
Guy #2: Yeah! Thunderpants don't work!

--Astor Place

Overheard by: eliza

Crazy man, yelling: Sweet Jesus! The lord is aaaaalwaaays watching! Watching you wicked, wicked people! Heavens be praised, for he has shown me the way! He can show you too, but all this wickedness and sin has to stop! He knows, he knows! (lights in train go out) Yes, dear Jesus! For he has plunged us into darkness. Do not say "the weather" or "The MTA," it is the Lord who sees and knows all, and he has seen the wickedness you people have brought into the world and he has plunged us into darkness! We are truly in the darkness. (lights go back on) Praise the lord, for he has shown us the light!

--F Train

Overheard by: Elisabeth

Office chick #1: So you liked the movie Waiting, right?
Office chick #2: Yep.
Office chick #1: Remember "the goat"?
Office chick #2: Yeah, junk stuffed between his legs and displayed from behind!
Office chick #1: Yeah, my husband just came up with a new one called "the heart"!
Office chick #2: What's that?
Office chick #1: He grabs his sack, pulls it up over his dick, and spreads the skin out at the top, so it kinda looks like a heart.
Office chick #2: Yeah?
Office chick #1: Then he tenses up his dick a few times so that it looks like the heart is beating.
Office chick #2: Cool.

--McDonald's

Girl #1: Oh my god! Who's cooking Ramen!?
Girl #2: I am.
Girl #1: You *totally* read my mind!

--Fordham University, Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

FDNY in uniform, waiting for firemen who were grocery shopping: He kept saying, "you're gonna get caught! You're gonna get caught!" but I just took off the tag, put them on my face and just walked out of the store!
Civilian he was talking to (looking shocked and equally disgusted): Oh.

--Whole Foods, Houston & Christie

Relatively sober girl: Bruce, you can't sleep here. You live in Queens. Your bed is in Queens.
Drunk guy: No, this is my new home. I live here now. (points at the wall)
Relatively sober girl: Bruce, go home.
Drunk guy: I am home.
Relatively sober girl: No, your house is in Queens. Go there.
Drunk guy: Queens? Okay. (points to the left) I'm going to go that way cause it's longer. No...wait, (points to the right) That way.
Relatively sober girl: Whatever! I did not sign up for this tonight.

--9th St & Ave A